As the old saying goes, you can choose your friends but not your family.
“It is to be expected that different personalities, communication styles, and other dynamics between family members can result in conflict at some point,” says Megan Hosking, crisis line and marketing manager at Netcare Akeso.
“While it is perfectly normal to disagree sometimes, ongoing strain in the family can significantly impact this important support structure and the mental health of those involved.
“It can also spill over to affect other members of the family. A further concern is that unresolved issues and trauma have the potential to be passed down from one generation to the next.”
Inescapable conflict
Family is forever. While this can be a gift, in cases of severe conflict, it may become a heavy burden.
“Conflict can result in fear and anxiety, particularly around family gatherings where interaction with the person or people in question is inevitable. It is advisable to try to resolve conflict through open communication.
“Where it is unavoidable to interact with a family member that you simply cannot get along with, it may be best to politely greet them and engage no more than is necessary while excusing yourself from conversations that you know are inflammatory or triggering,” she says.
Hosking recommends the following strategy:
1. Mentally prepare yourself for the interaction;
2. set and maintain boundaries;
3. limit your expectations and practice acceptance of the things you cannot change;
4. choose what information you share with the family member;
5. be intentional in your interactions. For example, speak to someone neutral in the family;
6. avoid trying to “fix” things that do not involve you;
7. try to have empathy for your family member’s experience whilst remaining self-compassionate;
8. identify and acknowledge your own emotions through self-awareness;
9. practise being calm, regulate your emotional reactions and manage your stress levels; and
10. give yourself permission to leave if you need to.
Toxic family relationships
“A toxic relationship develops over time and consistently leaves you feeling isolated, unsupported, misunderstood, demeaned or attacked – there is a lack of respect and a violation of boundaries.
“It can pose a threat to your well-being, be it emotionally, psychologically, physically, or a combination of these. Any relationship in which interactions regularly make you feel worse rather than better can become toxic.
“There are some situations where ending the relationship and putting distance between yourself and that family member is the best and safest solution, such as with an abusive family member.”
Signs of a toxic family relationship:
You constantly give more than you are getting, leaving you feeling drained and depleted after interactions with that person;
you feel depressed, angry or tired after speaking to them;
you feel consistently disrespected by them;
you are always blamed for any issues or disagreements that arise;
you bring out the worst in each other;
you find yourself ”walking on eggshells” around them so as not to cause upset; and
your self-esteem is negatively impacted over time.
Ask yourself the following:
“Ask yourself if the relationship makes you feel unsafe or is it simply awkward to manage?
“What was the cause of the conflict, and is there a way for it to be resolved?
“Is there potential for change in the relationship?
“Talking to a mental healthcare professional can help you to understand more about a difficult relationship, and how best to manage the situation for yourself.
“Remember that it is not possible to control someone else’s actions, but you can control your own reactions. As such, you need to understand your feelings about that relationship, how it triggers you, and how you interact.
“If a relationship needs to end for your own well-being to remain intact, remember that not everything is permanent and there are often opportunities for change or re-connection further down the road,” Hosking concludes.
