When I was nine, my mother accidentally turned me into a fart gun.

I am not exaggerating.

I didn’t understand the mechanics of it at the time but years later, wondering how much potential damage had been done to my internal organs, I looked it up and was unpleasantly surprised.

But before we get to that, let me explain.

Searching for home remedy solutions

When I was little, my eczema was very bad and nothing that the talented doctors at Red Cross Hospital did at the time was able to get it under control.

My mother, who was very traditionalist, God rest her soul, tried every home remedy and old wives’ tale suggested. This meant that most nights, before bed my mother would give me a trusty dose of Scotts Emulsion along with whatever home remedy we were trying at the time.

When I was nine, someone recommended blomswael, or flowers of sulphur as it is called in English. Now, just an aside, flowers of sulphur is indeed a good remedy for itching when used topically, but whoever advised my mother forgot to tell her that footnote.

Put another way, my mother had accidentally helped me create toxic farts that could have been weaponised.

So for at least a week, every night, my mom gave me a table spoon of Scotts Emulsion and a glass of blomswael swirled in warm milk to drink. It didn’t quite dissolve so it was clumpy and grainy. It also tasted foul and smelled like rotten eggs.

But what was far worse was what it did to my insides.

The fart effect

The next day I would sit in class and try my hardest to subdue my gurgling tummy. Eventually I would fail and out would slip an SBD (silent but deadly) fart.

Normally the term SBD is tongue-in-cheek but with me, at the time, it was literal. My classmates would gag and groan as the rotten egg smell hung in the small classroom, clinging to the walls.

If you were one of my classmates, I apologise. And I’m also sorry that this apology came decades late, but I was too embarrassed to admit that it was me at the time.

When one of the learners nearest me vomited after I farted, I went home at the end of the week and stoically refused to keep drinking the foul junk – which had had zero impact on my inflamed skin.

I learned, many years later, that while not dangerous to my innards — thankfully — blomswael causes a gut reaction that releases hydrogen sulphide. Besides smelling rotten, it is toxic in large doses.

Put another way, my mother had accidentally helped me create toxic farts that could have been weaponised.

An unlikely villain

No learners were harmed in the misguided attempts to heal my itchy skin, but years later, when my daughter was born and I carried on the Scotts Emulsion tradition, I gave it a taste for old times’ sake. The next day my skin was inflamed. I read the label and discovered that the tonic was made from cod liver oil — and had triggered my fish allergy. It had been the villain in my childhood health dramas all along.

So what is the point of this you may ask? Well, I don’t have one. The most I got out of that experience is a small nugget of wisdom and a very funny story — and by writing this, a long overdue apology — but I have no strong political or economic point to make today.

At the very least, I hope this stinky story brightened your day.

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